


UNFORGIVABLE SINNER

by Placebogirl7



Category: Nana (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Drug Addiction, F/M, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, References to Drugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:55:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24222418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Placebogirl7/pseuds/Placebogirl7
Summary: Every mistake has its price.Sinners can’t be forgiven.Curled up on the cold bathroom floor of a house that has become too empty, I put my hands on my face, to cover an overpowering tear that is beyond my control.Forgive me…Nana…
Relationships: Honjou Ren/Oosaki Nana
Kudos: 3





	UNFORGIVABLE SINNER

**Author's Note:**

  * For [poisonedapple](https://archiveofourown.org/users/poisonedapple/gifts).



**“Nana...When I left for Tokyo, I knew you wouldn't come with me. Not because you didn't want to change city, but because the idea that I was going to play for another woman was slowly killing you. Between the two of us, however, the one who died...is me”**

In front of the bathroom mirror, I am unable to look at my reflected image.  
I don't know if it's because of the disgust I'm feeling for myself, or because my mind is too focused on that  
line of white powder that I spread on the sink.  
A breath would be enough to disperse it.  
It would be enough to throw it to eliminate the evidence.  
But there are things that can’t be erased, isn't there?  
I feel like a killer who silently kills his victim.  
The height of this story is that I am the victim.  
I hear Reira's voice outside the door, she’s screaming my name.  
She wants to keep me from extinguish myself for the umpteenth time.  
I'm sorry, sweet Reira...  
I can’t do that.  
I can't throw this strip away, this strip that represents the only way out of the abyss that I fell into.  
Quitting would mean no longer being able to play.  
What kind of music can a guitarist whose hands tremble with abstinence write?  
I don't want to miss this too.  
My music is all I have left.  
That's why I can't stop, Reira.  
I have lost the respect of people, I have lost the woman I love more than anything else in the world. I feel empty.  
Ever since I let her steal my heart, she’s always been everything to me.  
I need her like air to breathe.  
Do you understand now, singing princess?  
Whether I sniff this strip or not, it makes no difference.  
I'm already dead.  
I lean over the sink while my body is shaken by tremors from prolonged abstinence.  
I bring the straw to my nose, although your screams make me desist from sniffing.  
I don't want to disappoint you, I don't want to make you suffer.   
I ask you to leave, I need solitude.   
I was born alone, all my life I've always got away alone.  
I ended up destroying the only bonds I had.  
Yasu…  
Nana…  
The pain of knowing that the bond between the two people I loved the most was stronger than the one I had with them is slowly consuming me.  
I need to bridge the gap that has been created between us, to fill this void that makes me feel like I have nothing more to offer.

_“No matter what happens, I’ll always be by your side! We’ll get through these hard times together!”_

Your words…  
Drops of dew that rain on the hell I'm locked in, trying desperately to put out the flames.  
I’m stuck, my face is a few centimeters of distance from that strip, my eyes are wide.  
There are no better words at times like these.  
But words aren’t enough.  
Not if the one who says them isn't the person you want.

_“No matter what happens, you won’t love another woman more than Nana, right?”_

These are the real words that resonate in my head.  
The sweet and naive Hachiko said them during our last conversation, without thinking about how much their weight might be worth.  
There is no malice in this, but only the desperate need to fix things.  
But…  
But the truth is too hard to bear.   
I'd like to love you, Reira.   
I'd like to love you for what you just told me.  
But the only thing I can do is to imagine Nana repeating the same words to me on the other side of that door.  
When you are about to destroy yourself the only person you would like to be next to you is the one who could save you.  
I hit the bottom once more.  
I sniff the strip quickly, keeling myself over the door.  
You notice it and you ask me how I feel.   
Stupid question for a junkie.   
I answer that I’ll be fine soon.   
Another lie.  
By now I’ve lost count of the lies in which I live, of those that I tell and those that others tell me.  
Soon my hands will stop shaking.  
It’s the heart that can’t heal.  
A strip of cocaine isn’t enough to heal wounds.  
You beg me to quit, you’re afraid that I will lose my life.  
Do I still have a life to lose?  
What is left to me besides a fame I couldn't care less about?

_“Is there anything I can help you with?”_

You are on the verge of exasperation, I brought you there myself.  
I'm sorry, you already have many problems without having to take care of mine.  
There would be one thing you could do.  
I don't know if it can really work, but at least I can feel free for a few minutes.

_“Sing”_

They say your voice helps people rid of their troubles.  
You have a great talent, little Reira, maybe you don't even realize it.  
With those crystalline notes you bring serenity to the ears of those who listen to you.   
Can you also alleviate such a great pain?  
Maybe.  
But I won't be the one to find it out.  
I can't listen to you singing.  
If Nana knew that your voice cheered my sleep, she would end up hating me more than she already does now.  
More than knowing that I hug you to make you sleep.   
Every mistake has its price.   
Sinners can’t be forgiven.  
Curled up on the cold bathroom floor of a house that has become too empty, I put my hands on my face, to cover an overpowering tear that is beyond my control.  
Forgive me…Nana…

**"When you fall into hell there is no hope of going back. It is a moving train that descends ever further into  
a dead end tunnel. Nana …Once I promised you that if I died I would take you with me...But do you think it's worth it, to come to this place? "**

**Author's Note:**

> AUTHOR'S CORNER
> 
> This is the translation of the first fanfiction about Nana that I’ve wrote. I originally wrote it in Italian in 2014. This story has been inspired by chapter 75 of the manga, I wanted to try to give words to Ren’s feelings in that moment. I hope I managed to do it in a good way! Despite this isn’t a song-fic, the title of this story is taken from the homonymous song by Lene Marlin.   
> Hope you’ll like my story and if you want leave me a comment!  
> Love,  
> Placebogirl7


End file.
